His Kate
by rhinosgirl
Summary: The worst effect of Rick Castle's wedding day car crash is not immediately felt, but when it is, Rick and Kate's lives are changed in very unexpected ways. Written for LiveJournal H/C Bingo (Prompt: PANIC ATTACKS)
1. A Wall, A Tornado, and A Plan

**A/N: I am in no way an expert on panic and anxiety disorders. This story is based entirely on my own (thankfully very limited) experience with panic attacks.**

The first time it happened, it was an invisible wall, gigantic and impenetrable. It stretched into eternity in every direction around him. The plastic serving spoons were there, on the bench, a mere two inches from his hand. He could see them, yearned to be able to reach for them, but they might as well have been a thousand miles away. It was like the invisible wall had gushed out a geyser of invisible glue that had hardened and cemented him in place. He could feel the sweat dripping down his face. He could see the hairs on his arms standing to attention, ready for them to do his bidding. But his brain was incapable even of sending his limbs that simple message: MOVE!  
>"How's the curry coming along, honey?" Kate Beckett's voice finally broke the spell. Richard Castle flinched and blinked, as if coming out of a trance.<br>"Rick, are you alright?" she asked. "I don't know," he answered. "Just give me a minute. Hey, did you know that in some parts of the world, this curry is known as Rogan Josh?" He winked secretively and they both broke the tension with simultaneous laughter. As he calmed down, Rick began to recount what happened, and as he did he thought how irrational and petty it sounded. He was in his large, bright, airy kitchen, for goodness' sake, not in a tiny, cramped, windowless room. He was looking at plastic food utensils, not guns. There was absolutely nothing to worry about, nothing that should, would, or even could, logically remind him of his time in captivity. He almost stopped talking. But he didn't because, well, she was his Kate.  
>The second time it happened, it was a swirling tornado, disorienting &amp; suffocating him. He knew he was supposed to be doing something, going somewhere, seeing someone. He just had no idea what or where or with whom, and his brain refused to access that information4 him. In fact, it refused to access any information, whatsoever. He could feel his heart beating far too fast, and he knew the air that he was breathing in was going nowhere near the bottom, or even the middle, of his lungs before it left again of its own accord. But he was powerless to control it, any of it.<br>The ringing of his cellphone snapped him back to reality. He fumbled in his jeans pocket, where he could feel a vibration - otherwise he'd have absolutely no idea where the stupid thing was!  
>"Hello?" Damn, his voice was shaky. He hastily dropped into a kitchen chair before he landed on the floor.<br>"Please tell me you are on your way," came Beckett's voice.  
>"On my way where?" Rick inquired.<br>"What do you mean, where? You're supposed to be . . . wait, did it happen again?"  
>Biting his lip, he hesitated. This time was completely different than the last. There were no outward symptoms. It was more of a feeling, this time. A feeling of drowning, of being smothered. He could say "No" and it would be the truth. But he didn't, because, well, she was his Kate.<p>

The third time it happened, the third time in three months, they finally admitted the situation had the potential to become far more serious than they wanted. They hoped that all that Castle needed was a change of scenery. Ninety days in a slower-paced, more free-spirited atmosphere might be just what was needed to unlock his psyche and allow the old Rick Castle to return.  
>So he picked up the phone and called a friend. A friend who just happened to be his fiancee's ex-husband.<br>"Hi, Rogan."


	2. A Bar, A Criminal, and A Phone

Somewhere in the distance, a rooster crowed. Nearer to home, the tempting smell of freshly-brewed coffee wafted through the air. Rick stretched and yawned. Even though it was only slightly after dawn, he felt more refreshed and energetic than he had in months.

After spending nearly an hour eating a fully cooked breakfast of fried eggs and tomatoes served with biscuits and various types of meat, and reading an actual printed newspaper, he cleaned up the kitchen, took a leisurely shower and dressed in jeans and a casual shirt. Then he strolled down the street, ready to be put to work. On his way, he admired the low-lying buildings and the varieties of architecture he passed, just within the walking distance from the house to the bar.

"Mornin', Rogan, Tildy! What am I doin' today?" he greeted the newly engaged couple.

"You're serving me a beer, that's what you're doin!" came a jovial voice from the doorway.

"Lester!" Rick quickly filled his drink order from memory, and those of the many regulars that followed. He had conversations about their families, animals, businesses, the weather, how this one's baby was doing, and how that one's farm was being ravaged by bugs. He learnt about this being the hottest month on record for fifty years, shoeing horses, and hemming quilts. And that was just throughout the morning.

After a lunch of more sumptuous food and flowing conversation, Rogan took Castle outside. Castle swung his arms around in wide arcs and inhaled deeply.

"Whatsa matter?" Rogan stared at him curiously. "You better not be hurt. Kate'll kill me if I give you back damaged."

"Just enjoying the clean, country air, and the crisp blue sky," Castle sniffed appreciatively.

Rogan twitched his nose. "All I can smell is dirt, beer, and them there smelly flower things that some friend of Tildy's planted."

"Exactly. So, where we going?" Castle followed Rogan.

"To the grocery store. Tildy reckons we need to put "bar snacks' out for the people that come in the bar. Whatever they are," Rogan grunted.

At the grocery store, Castle wandered around aimlessly. "Hello." "Can I help you?" "Are you looking for something?" "Are you lost?" the frequent greetings and offers of help from complete strangers kept a grin on Castle's face all the way to the checkout counter. He was beginning to get a taste of what it was like to be accepted for who he was, not what he was, or what he could do for people.

He snuck a sneaky look over Rogan's shoulder and snickered.

"What?" Rogan picked up the groceries and walked back to the truck.

"Seriously, your name is Rogan Joshua O'Leary?"

"Yeah, so?" Rogan muttered distractedly, fiddling with the radio knob.

"You're not joshing me?" Castle asked with a smirk.

"Nope. Rogan Joshua O'Leary, that's me!" his driver proclaimed proudly.

"Must have given you a few heated moments," Castle observed. I wonder if my Kate knows that," he thought.

Meanwhile, back in New York City, Beckett had dragged herself out of bed, gulped down a pre-prepared bought smoothie for breakfast, rushed through her shower, dressing, and make-up, and spent over in hour in nose-to-tail traffic before arriving at work. On her travels, she barely noticed the teeming mass of people and the skyscrapers, block upon block of steel and glass. Once at work, she found the elevators not working, so she had to climb an unknown number of flights of stairs. By the time she reached her destination she was sweaty and breathless. She stopped to straighten her clothes and get her breath back.

"What have we got on this guy?" she demanded, eager to apprehend the suspected murderer before the Medical Examiner, Lanie Parish, had more bodies to deal with.

"His last known address is a bust," Javier Esposito reported. "Nobody has lived there in months."

Kevin Ryan chipped in with "We are still checking through the list of his most recent contacts, but we haven't found anything of consequence yet."

"Which means you have found something," Kate snapped. "Tell me."

"There's this one woman that keeps on popping up. We're checking facial recognition now," Ryan hastened to add.

Within a few hours, warrant in hand, Beckett, Ryan and Esposito were raiding an apartment of a possible co-conspirator. It was empty.

Back to the drawing board, Kate huffed in disappointment. She straightened her shoulders. "Let's go and – runner!" She sprinted off after the wanted fugitive, dodged a thrown missile of unknown origin, jumped over a pile of rubbish that was dumped in her way, and tackled the fleeing woman.

At the Precinct, Ryan escorted the prisoner to Interrogation Room One while Esposito and Beckett gathered the file and discussed their strategy, which included Beckett downing a burnt and bitter coffee and an unidentifiable item from a vending machine that she had to kick seven times before it coughed up her purchase. As usual, Beckett took the lead in the interview. She slapped a mug-shot onto the table. "How do you know him?" she demanded. "And why were you at his home today?"

There was no answer.

"I asked you a question!" Beckett bellowed. The suspect immediately spilled her guts and the arrest was made. Then came the paper work. As she filled out report after report Kate relived the adrenaline rush of the chase, the satisfaction of breaking the suspect, and the ecstasy of a successful arrest. Then she gathered up her belongings, ordered pizza for dinner, and went home. This time, the journey was a lot quicker because it was so late at night that the streets were practically deserted, by New York City standards. After nibbling a couple of slices of under-cooked and sparsely-topped pizza and throwing the rest away, she fell into bed with a smile on her face, and not one thought of Rick Castle.

And so it continued, day in and day out. Each day was patterned on the one before. Beckett's days were filled with drama and action, investigations and arrests, and the occasional "Heck, I forgot to ring Castle again"s . Castle's days were filled with peace and routine, beer and conversations, and frequent "I couldn't contact Kate today"s.  
>Until the ninetieth day. On that day Kate received a phone call that immediately changed her life forever. Also on that day, Castle succeeded in making a phone call that would change his life forever. He spoke to the girl he hoped would still be his Kate.<p> 


	3. A Woman, A Ring, and A Car

On day 91, Castle got up later than normal since he didn't have to go anywhere. After breakfast, he checked and rechecked his preparations. The smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and raisin bread floated in from the kitchen. He wandered slowly through the house, contemplating the scenery. Through that window, a neighbour was watering their garden. Through that window, one-storey buildings of every description and colour. A third revealed rolling hills and cattle contentedly munching grass. Homemade cushions and rugs tastefully furnished the country-style living room. He sighed in contentment before he absentmindedly straightened the doily on the coffee table and voiced the nervousness that had been plaguing him all morning.

"How am I going to do this?"

On the same day, Kate wakened earlier than usual because she had to go into work for a time critical meeting before leaving on her errand. She ignored breakfast, preferring to spend the time ensuring she looked professional and competent for the very important people she would be talking to. She checked and rechecked her make-up and clothes to get them blended perfectly, sitting straight, and wrinkle-free. She swore at every driver that held her up, cut her off, or in any other way slowed her down from getting to the Precinct. Eventually, she got there, had her meeting and was on her way to her next destination. All of a sudden she remembered where she was going and realised she had a problem.

"What on earth is Castle going to think?"

"You're beautiful," Castle thought as she came up the wooden steps to the front door to greet him.

"Castle!" Next minute, they were in each other's arms. But something was different. The hug was chaste and companionable, not close and passionate.

"Let's go inside," Castle invited.

Let's just get this over with, Kate decided. "Castle, I have some really great news," she started, at the same time that Rick said "Kate, there's something we need to discuss."

At that moment, Rick knew. He held out his hand, and Kate silently slid the ring off her finger and dropped it into his palm.

Castle wrapped the ring in a tissue before sliding it into his pocket. "When do you leave?"

"I go to Washington, D.C. in a week to stay with a colleague there until I find my own house. I start the week after." Her voice quavered and her feet rocked with the intensity of her enthusiasm and excitement for her new life.

Richard grinned. "High five!"

"So what's your news?" Kate pulled her bag close, eager to go, but curious enough to stay.

"I'm minding the bar while Rogan and Tildy go on their honeymoon, and I have an option to be part owner when they return," was their unexpected announcement.

"Oh, that's nice," Kate murmured. "I have to go."

He watched her drive away. She was no longer his Kate, and that was just how it was meant to be.

**A/N: Also written for: ****Out of Books' 2013 "Sink Your Favourite Ship" Challenge. Many thanks for allowing me to combine these two challenges x**


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